Some people call it self-esteem. I just call it delusions of grandeur. Just look at the expression on her face. Do you see what I mean? She's perfect. She can do no wrong. She can't help it. It's not her fault. She was born that way.
She's got this special God given ability to tell these fascinating stories and keep her audience entertained. It's too bad that she's a compulsive liar. Nobody seems to care or to know about the fact that she's completely full of crap. Maybe she's lying, maybe she's telling the truth. There's just no way to tell. She is so believable. It is because of her amazing charisma that she got this job cooking for gourmet food for army generals. Those guys just adored her, or at least that's what she says.
This one time they asked her to make this fabulous dinner for some important Japanese generals. You know how Japanese people are they just love to eat daring exotic foods like poisonous puffer fish. So they asked her to make rattlesnake. To us here in The Republic of Texas, it's just food. But if you're from Japan, it's ethnic food.
My sister, Clementine, had never cooked a rattlesnake before in her life, and to be honest with you, she's terrified of snakes and other slithery creatures. She had no idea what to do with this thing, so she just stuck in in a big pot of boiling water, hoping to God that she would think of something while she chopped up the jalapenos.
As she was chopping, the pot foamed up and bubbled over the top and the snake started slithering out of the pot. She panicked and freaked out because she thought that maybe it was still alive. She reached for a pair of tongs and shoved it back in, but it kept slithering back out again. She boiled that thing for twenty minutes and the dad gum thing would not stay in the pot, so she pulled it out with a pair of tongs in each of her hands and threw it onto the counter. Then she chopped it's head off and cringed.
I don't know how she managed to rip the skin off and pull the meat off it's bones. I guess being in the army made her tough. While she was chopping up the meat for the tacos, her hands started stinging and swelling up. This is when she remembered that rattlesnakes are poisonous. She thought for sure that she had forgotten to pull out some sort of venom pouch or something and was certain that she was about to die. She didn't call the ambulance. She isn't that stupid. Almost, but not quite.
Instead she did an internet search on preparing rattlesnake. She couldn't find anything so she just laughed and figured that her hands were stinging because the jalapenos were hot. She told this story to the Japanese generals and they laughed, ha ha ha.
Clementine swore that she would never cook a rattlesnake again. She said that the next time someone asks for it, she's just going to use chicken and say it's rattlesnake because it tastes the like the same freaking thing and nobody will ever know.
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