Like the time I bought this fig tree.
I paid eighty nine dollars plus shipping and handling for this freaking tree and it's lucky to be alive.
You see, a couple of years ago I saw this video on You Tube
Living in a food forest had always been a fantasy of mine, and up until I had seen this video, I didn't think it could be done. There are several food forests in this world, and I decided that I wanted one right away.
All autumn long, I picked up bags of leaves and filled up my backyard so I could improve the soil.
Then I ordered about 7 or eight instant orchard fruit trees from Willis Orchards. I had this bad feeling when I did it. Maybe the spirit of my future self was traveling back in time and trying to tell me not to do it. But I didn't listen.
Now I have planted things before, and I know very well that you are supposed to plant trees in the fall. I have had better luck with planting trees in the springtime, though, so I told the people at Willis Orchard to send my new fruit trees in April.
But the people at Willis Orchard told me that it was very important for me to plant my trees in the dead of winter while they were dormant. Right after I got off the phone with them I got this really really bad feeling. Images of a snowy white blizzard popped into my head and wouldn't go away. My thoughts were filled with doom and gloom and huge heaving cold winds and winter storm clouds.
Either I am psychic, or I have very strong telekinetic powers that enable me to control the weather because at the end of February, 2 years ago, North Texas experienced the coldest winter in the history of time. That winter storm broke the record that was made in 1928.
Right after the first tree was planted in the ground, it started snowing and the temperature started dropping.
I called the Orchard, they told me to plant my trees anyway, it wouldn't bother them. So I did, but the temperature kept dropping. After all my trees had been planted, it dropped down to six degrees Fahrenheit. It stayed that cold for an entire week.
In Texas, where I live, it's usually pretty nice in the winter. I remember loads of 80 degree Christmases. It usually gets pretty cold in late February and March, but only at night. It's usually pretty warm during the day, so this weather was bazaar and nobody has ever seen it colder than the year I planted those trees.
I did everything I could think of to save those expensive instant orchard trees. I covered them with three feet of oak leaves so the cold snow and air wouldn't penetrate the root system. I wrapped them with thick blankets and plastic tarps. I worried about my trees night and day and I thought that maybe I should have just left them in the house. Could Shoulda Woulda.
Only three of the trees actually made it. I lost my receipts so I couldn't get a refund. Right after most of my trees died, the weather warmed right up. The snow melted, and spring came. The birds were chirping and the flowers were starting to emerge from their winter slumber. It seemed as if that whole winter storm came just to kill my trees.
Oh, and to make it worse, this friend of mine bought a peach tree at big lots for six bucks that year and now it's loaded with peaches. She keeps raving about what a great deal she got. I guess she wants to rub it in my face and make me feel stupid because I spent so much money on those instant orchard trees.
I feel stupid anyway. I was hoping that my summer would be filled with wonderful juicy figs and I would save so much money on groceries. I always do everything the hard way. Every time I get a brilliant idea, I fail miserably at it. I swear, sometimes, I think the forces of nature are against me.
(The art from the second two pictures are from The Giving Tree Parody.)
www.clotildajamcracker.com
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